Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. 


Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.

Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle.

This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.

2. Heckle the professor.

3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.

4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.

5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.

6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.

7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.

8. If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.

9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different person each time.

10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you.

11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.

12. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer". Get someone to pass it to the professor.

13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class. Change clothes every time.

14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If anyone asks, say you have Tourette's syndrome.

15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say "They were out of apples."

16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes on both.

17. If it's an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".

18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.

19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall.

20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didn't have time to eat breakfast.

21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is your costume for the school play, and you didn't have time to change out of it.

22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class. Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.

23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor's desk.

24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.

25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class.

26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you have no memory of what just happened.

27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees, lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the class. If the professor objects, say that the students should have a wide range of knowledge.

28. Switch the professor's lecture notes with your history notes from last term.

29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.

30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn't see any sign saying you couldn't bring cameras.

31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the answer to a question.

32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework assignment for art class.

33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze, then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes before the professor sneezes.

34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, "Hey! A substitute! All right!" Claim that the real professor said you could have lecture outside.

35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call the professor a copycat.

36. If it's a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with New Folger's Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a hidden camera.

37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.

38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister's modelling clay.

39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor doesn't know. Act angry when he/she doesn't understand you.

40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people you joined the wrestling team. Bodyslam anyone who doesn't believe you.

41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, "NOOOOOO! Not him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again! Noooooooooo!" then run out of them room. See how many people follow you.

42. Turn your row into a mosh pit.

43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on them like you would normally.

44. One word: Gladiators.

45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. ("Relativity! Relativity! Einstein rocks!")

46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that these trained animal shows aren't what they used to be.

47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it every 15 minutes.

48. When the professor calls on you, mumble incomprehensibly. Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes before the professor stops calling on you.

49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.

50. Make up a strange religious cult and distribute flyers for it during class.

1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5) Are You Andy or Barney?

6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer

7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8) I pay your salary!

9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12) When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

13) What? You need a license to drive?

14) Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!

15) Is your power a penis substitute?

16) Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk

17) Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.

18) Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.

19) Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?

20) A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind

21) Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light? 


22) Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.

23) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence

24) Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?

25) Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too

26) My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal

27) Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

28) Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?

29) You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me

30) In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?

31) If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight

32) Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

33) Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either

34) Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut

35) Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?

36) Do you have any idea who you're talking to?

37) There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.

38) What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol

39) That uniform makes your ass look really big.

40) You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

41) I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

42) So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

43) I'm not as think as you stoned I am.

44) Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going"
Driver "No I'm too stoned to remember"

Thanks to Simon for the two points above!

45) Its tobacco, honest

46) Hey, i bet i can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket!

47) Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?
>Driver: No, I haven't had any cunts tonight drinkstable. 

1. What's the difference between unique and very unique?
2. Can you cry under water?
3. Why are actors IN movies but ON television?
4. Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out thewindow when you take him for a car ride?
5. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
6. Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
7. How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there?
8. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
9. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
10. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
11. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
12. If toast always lands butterside down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast to a cats back and dropped it?
13. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
14. If olive oil is made of squeezing olives,then what are baby oil made from?
15. if the sky is the limit what is space? over the limit?

Tourist Resort is a place where no one knows how unimportant you are at home.



Name the 3 fastest means of communication?Telephone, Television and Tell-a-woman!



Love Affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.



Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.



Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.



Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either.



The trouble with being a good sport is, you have to loose in order to prove it.



An optimist: A man who gets married when he's seventy-five and then looks for a house near a school.



Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.



Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master



Divorce : Future tense of marriage



Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".



Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.



Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.



Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..



Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.



Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.



Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.




Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.



Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.



Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.



Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.



Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.



Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.



Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.



Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.



Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.



Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.



Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.



Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."



Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO,Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.



Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.



Father : A banker provided by nature.



Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.



Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.



Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

surfing down the net i found this funny pictures
so i posted them for yu all